Dear Caroline: My dad has dementia and no longer recognises me or my mother - ... trends now
Q My dad has dementia and before he went into a care home I was his primary carer. It is tragic to watch this man, who was once the biggest character, being whittled away in both body and mind by the illness. I have siblings, but the responsibility of taking care of him fell squarely on my shoulders and while he was at home I was able to keep going for his sake – even though I had to balance it with working and looking after my children.
I am usually a reasonably happy person but since he went into the home I’m really struggling and have lost my spark. Now Dad no longer recognises me or my mother – his wife. It’s devastating not just for me but also my kids of seven and 13.
They attend counselling sessions to help them come to terms with the grief of losing the person their grandfather once was, which tears me apart even more. I’ve never felt so isolated and alone. How do I remain strong not just for me but for my family, when I’m crumbling inside?
A I can hear your despair loud and clear. I am sure you are aware of the Alzheimer’s Society’s recent campaign highlighting how losing someone this way is like grieving their death over and over again. It has been controversial for being too hard-hitting, but I think that it resonates with many who have cared for someone with this shattering disease.
I’ve talked to people who say that by the time their parent died they were so relieved it was over that their loved one’s dementia had even robbed them of the final grieving process. So, firstly, I can say that you are not alone, even though you feel desperately lonely.
You are burnt out and probably depressed. Unfortunately, it is often true that women bear the brunt of caring for family members. Looking after your dad before he went into a home (along with your other commitments) has exhausted you. It might be too distressing for your children to visit their grandfather now, and perhaps it’s better they remember him as he was.
But I think that you also need to step back. Your dad is safe and, as he no longer recognises you, you could consider taking a few weeks off from visiting, too. Concentrate on having a lovely
