Katie Hopkins' assessment on the return of CBB

CBB is back.

Somewhat later than planned after a trouncing in the ratings for the last series, Celebrity Big Brother 2017 is finally live for launch - now that Love Island has left the the live-sex-on-TV franchise vacant for a while.

As with every other series, last night a legion of CBB devotees took to the upstairs telly, or the little telly in the kitchen, largely to avoid the moans of their other half who 'can't understand why you still watch that utter cr*p'.

That half will be sat in the lounge for the duration with the big TV watching BBC1's drama In The Dark which ironically is exactly how I feel looking at the confirmed list of housemates staggering into the house on hooker heels last night.

Eastenders' Shaun Williamson, most famously known for his role as Barry on Eastenders, was the first to enter and couldn't contain his excitement as he kicked off the star-studded arrivals in a bid to win the £50,000 prize money for the charity of his choice

Eastenders' Shaun Williamson, most famously known for his role as Barry on Eastenders, was the first to enter and couldn't contain his excitement as he kicked off the star-studded arrivals in a bid to win the £50,000 prize money for the charity of his choice

Eastenders' Shaun Williamson, most famously known for his role as Barry on Eastenders, was the first to enter and couldn't contain his excitement as he kicked off the star-studded arrivals in a bid to win the £50,000 prize money for the charity of his choice

Most are unrecognisable. When I saw the list I actually refreshed my browser because I thought I must have got the wrong CBB - the one from 2010. I mean who the hell remembers Fat Barry from Eastenders - a man so white he is purple?

The Channel 5 bumpf says his real name is Shaun Williamson. I predict he will endure a full breakdown in the house and will be found, trousers unbuttoned, face down in a pool of his own vomit surrounded by dodgy cans labelled 'rum and cola' by the CBB intern before the week is out.

My gossip queens tell me the booking of Sarah Harding has not gone down so well in the Danny Dyer marital home. Things are still a little tense after it turns out he had been showing Sarah his best asset in secret.

Allegedly Dyer has been kicked out by his misses, is living in a bedsit from hell eating microwaved curry for one in his pants. Now he has something to watch at night to keep him company.

Cheryl-Fernando-Torres-Versini-Cole-Tweedy is also keen to distance herself from the Harding fall-out and has unfollowed her on social media. Because she's not worth it - I guess?

I loved my time on CBB. And my one piece of advice for this year's bunch is to find the fun

I loved my time on CBB. And my one piece of advice for this year's bunch is to find the fun

You would think people had better things to do?

I kind of recognise one of them as the annoying woman off of Goggle Box, except she has scrubbed up a bit and is missing her chubster-sidekick Sandra, which is a bit like getting Ant but not Dec (now also true, as it happens).

I imagine Fat Sandra wants to poke her in the left eyeball with one of her unwieldy items of jewellery for quitting their lucrative double act on Gogglebox.

Fat Sandra has been dumped in favour of Sandi's shameless self-promotion. I worry for her. I am not sure I would want to meet an angry Fat Sandra in a dark alley, though admittedly the alley would need to be quite wide. Sandi may be safer locked away inside CBB for a time.

I predict that time may we'll be short.

There are a few faces who promise to deliver and will be good value for money, Brandi Glanville for starters.

Brandi clearly didn't like the face she was born with, so has changed it significantly since birth. To be fair, it is a qualifier if you hope to appear on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Plus she managed to get the cost of a designer vagina built into her divorce settlement from her husband when he had an affair with LeAnn Rimes. Most of us struggle to get our tight-fisted husbands to turn up the central hearing thermostat in Winter - so kudos to her getting a new foof on the house.

My gossip queens tell me the booking of Sarah Harding has not gone down so well in the Danny Dyer marital home 

My gossip queens tell me the booking of Sarah Harding has not

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