Spare us the crocodile tears, Gisele! She weeps for the cameras, swipes at Tom ... trends now

Gwyneth Paltrow walked so Gisele Bündchen could run.

In a solipsistic, vainglorious new interview with ABC News, the woman who was once the world's highest-paid supermodel, now 43, begs for our adulation while playing the victim.

Hey – she's just living her truth, don't you know?

Gisele is on her journey, seeking her most authentic self, climbing her metaphorical mountain – that's the ridiculous title of this soft-focus tongue bath, 'Climbing the Mountain' – surveying her spiritual valleys while sidestepping any questions about her current love affair, which may or may not have predated her divorce from Tom Brady.

Also, she has a new cookbook to promote. 'Nourish' is the title, sold by a woman who once existed solely on booze, cigarettes, coffee and oxygen.

For anyone who has conquered similar vices, be aware: Gisele quit them better than you.

'In one day,' she tell Roberts, 'I stopped smoking, drinking coffee, drinking alcohol,' because her doctor asked, 'Do you want to live?'

Sounds hyperbolic. How old could she have been – 30? But Gisele doubles down.

'I'm living my truth, and I'm not apologizing for it,' she says. Whatever that means.

It's giving Gwyneth vibes, all patterned on the sometime-actress who promotes her own 'starvation diet', IV hookups, 'intuitive fasting' and something called 'rectal ozone therapy' while shilling cookbooks and wellness.

ABC's Robin Roberts should be embarrassed. Here's this so-called journalist quizzing Gisele as if she's breaking real news. Stuff you and I, the hoi polloi meant to put our grubby little hands on this elegant cookbook (list price $31.50), really care about.

Roberts: 'I hear that you are starting to put a little meat into your diet.'

Bündchen: 'Yes! And that was all part of my journey.'

Solid food as self-actualization. Only a glamazonian member of the one percent would be clueless enough to speak this way.

Here's a newsflash for Ms. Bündchen: Average American women, those who are mothers especially, are struggling.

Their schedules don't permit daily trips to the local farmer's market, should they even live near one. They are lucky if they can afford to gas up the car and pay the electric bill. To have enough energy to help their children with homework while keeping the house clean.

They don't live on sprawling 7.5-acre ranches north of Miami replete with custom-built horse stables for multiple thoroughbreds, an oak tree that provides respite for daily meditation, or the promise of growing one's own food right in the backyard.

'I'm a farmer', Gisele says, dressed in her equestrienne cosplay. Sure.

We open with this reanimated supermodel sauntering into a photo shoot, air-kissing and blathering about finding herself while lasering in on a box of cupcakes.

Stylists, the hair and make-up artists, the photographer – all ooh and ahh.

'I think we should have these after,' Gisele declares.

The crew is salivating, but Gisele will not be deterred. Even the small dog she cradles exhibits utter restraint, not a bark or a whimper.

'For dessert,' Gisele instructs. 'After lunch — you can have these [then].'

Seems like Tom Brady wasn't the only control freak in that marriage.

And that brings us to the heart of this interview: Gisele doling out a scintilla of her personal pain in exchange for this

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