Some choices are easy,' the great American sports columnist Rick Reilly once wrote. 'You're either a dog guy or a cat guy. Red state or blue. Letterman or Leno. Same with Tiger Woods versus Phil Mickelson. There's no in between. If you love Phil, you hate Tiger. Or vice versa. Can't be both.'
More than a decade on, we can trace our own lines of demarcation. Some choices are easy. You're either Leave or Remain. Town or country. Game of Thrones or Line of Duty. Avocado toast or full English. Same with Lionel Messi versus Cristiano Ronaldo. There's no in between.
Sure, we can say we like them both. We can say we're privileged to have the two of them playing in the same era. You know what, I've done it myself. But deep down, we're one or the other. Either we identify with the darting, dribbling, genius of selfless, shuffling little Leo or the Terminator-chic and towering self-regard of the cyborg CR7.
Lionel Messi (left) and Cristiano Ronaldo divide football fans over who is the world's best
The borders of our allegiances were fortified last week when Messi transformed an uncertain Barcelona performance against Liverpool into a comprehensive victory with a free-kick of such stunning brilliance that it left mouths agape all over the world and those of us who were there in the stadium staring at each other in astonishment.
For many of us, Messi established himself as the nonpareil long ago. Messi versus Ronaldo is beauty versus power. It is modesty versus arrogance. It is selflessness versus selfishness. It is curves versus straight lines. It is the joy of the assist versus the obsession with the finish.
And yet still we are divided like night and day over who is the best. To Messi fans, it beggars belief that some may still champion Ronaldo but they do. 'Which you are,' as Reilly says of the split between Tiger Guys and Phil Guys, 'says more about you than you know.'
There are some things we think we know. A Ronaldo fan works out. A Ronaldo fan drinks protein shakes at the gym. A Messi fan plays five-a-side. And then goes for a beer afterwards. A Ronaldo fan wears a sleeveless top. A Messi fan wears a vintage shirt.
A Ronaldo fan drives a car with personalised plates. A Messi fan gets the bus. A Messi fan closes a deal at work and gives the credit to a co-worker. A Ronaldo fan closes a deal at work and knocks on his boss's door the next day to demand a pay rise.
A Ronaldo fan hogs the bathroom for so long his flat-mates have to hammer on the door and tell him his hair looks fine. A Messi fan goes out without looking in the mirror. A Ronaldo fan wears sunglasses when it's dark. A Messi fan wears pyjamas when it's dark.
A Messi fan hangs out in the kitchen at parties. A Ronaldo fan is first on the karaoke machine. A Messi fan buys the drinks. A Ronaldo fan drinks the drinks. And doesn't say thank you. The rest of us exist for him.
A Messi fan acts like he's attained nirvana when he watches his idol (see Gary Lineker and Rio Ferdinand). A Ronaldo fan stomps and postures like he's got roid rage. A Ronaldo fan likes Bond. A Messi fan likes Bourne. A Messi fan wears a velvet glove. A Ronaldo fan pounds an iron fist.
Gary Lineker (front) and Rio Ferdinand hugged after seeing Messi's free-kick on Wednesday
You think that's unfair, don't you? I can tell. But the truth is that if you prefer Ronaldo over Messi, you're missing something in your life. I'm with Mario Balotelli on this one: it's got to the point where putting Ronaldo in the same conversation as Messi is just plain daft. The truth is, Messi's out on his own.
Sure, Ronaldo scored his 600th goal last week, a
