I wanted to win Celebrity Mastermind. Just as I'd wanted to be famous for my cricketing excellence, I'd wanted to steal the show by racking up an unassailable lead in my specialist subject and then picking off the general knowledge questions.
It didn't quite happen like that. I thought the first round went OK. I got six out of eight and thought I'd done pretty well, but back in the dressing room I can remember asking everyone their scores and no one really wanted to talk about them.
John Humphrys made awkward conversation for a few seconds and then bowled me a long hop for the opening question.
Monty Panesar's infamous appearance on Question Time turned into car crash television
I performed well in the first round but then it all went wrong with the general knowledge
'How many pockets are there on a snooker table?' Almost too easy. 'Six!' I said. I'm on my way.
'What sign of the zodiac is represented by a crab?' 'Scorpion… Sagittarius?' 'Cancer.' S***. I knew that.
'What is the title of AA Milne's stage adaptation of Kenneth Graham's The Wind in the Willows?' 'Harry Potter?' 'Toad of Toad Hall.'
Never mind, if it comes to a tiebreaker it'll be decided on passes, so it's better to give the wrong answer than no answer.
'What is the standard international unit of absolute temperature? It is indicated by the letter K.' 'Oh, gosh… pass.'
'Which Asian island city state is served by Changi International Airport?' 'Shanghai?' 'Singapore.'
'Birds described as pelagic spend most of their lives flying over what?' 'The sky?' 'The sea.'
'In what 1997 film do a group of unemployed men become strippers for the night in their local working men's club?' 'The Dreamboys?' 'The Full Monty.'
'In which city is the Olympiastadion, built for the 1972 Olympics and where Germany's national football team played until 2001?' 'Er … Athens?' 'Munich.'
John Humphrys the presenter made some awkward conversation, then came the long hop...
'What was the second volume of CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia to be published, following on from The Magician's Nephew?' 'CJ Lewis?' 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.'
'What were the five guys called in the title of the hit musical that was a tribute to the jazz blues man Louis Jordan?' 'Pass.'
'In an 1819 poem, what season of the year does Keats describe as a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness?' 'Oliver Twist?' 'Autumn!'
'In which city is the television series Cheers set?' 'America.' 'Boston.'
Car crash doesn't do it justice. It was like the Titanic ramming the Hindenburg. In the moments afterwards I was angry, because it was so embarrassing.
When it went out I was with my family and I didn't want to watch, but for me to say Oliver Twist was, I suppose, why there's only one Monty Panesar. It's my character, it's why people remember me.
Hardly anyone will remember who won that particular episode of Celebrity Mastermind. They'll remember me all right.
