TOM PARKER-BOWLES: I just can't stomach a meat-free butcher

At first glance, it seems like a normal butcher’s shop. Sausages hang in the window alongside burgers, kebabs and mince. 

But look a little closer and things aren’t quite what they seem. Those sausages, with their ominous green tinge, are completely vegan. 

They’re called Shroomdogs and they’re made from mushrooms. And the mince? Ground from the finest cuts of… pea protein. Be still, my beating heart.

This bizarre enterprise is, not surprisingly, unprecedented: the UK’s first ‘Meat-Free Butchers’, a three-day pop-up shop dreamed up by supermarket giant Sainsbury’s.

It will host live demonstrations from highly-skilled ‘vutchers’, as in vegan butchers (my word, not theirs), as they fillet huge sides of tofu, break down a Quorn carcass and neatly roll a shoulder of jackfruit.

OK, so I might have made the last bit up. But when it comes to chasing the vegan pound, nothing surprises me any more, and especially not tired, cynical marketing stunts to show that a major national supermarket is on trend and down with the kids.

Real butchery is a trade and a hard-learned skill, carried out by experts who care deeply about the quality of their produce.

Not for them the horrors of intensive farming – rather, they champion grass-fed cows and outdoor-raised chickens and pigs given the freedom to root and snuffle about.

But these days, right-on messaging from an increasingly powerful vegan lobby tells us meat is most definitely murder: an artery-clogging, planet-polluting aberration that is as barbaric as it is base.

The very term ‘plant-based’ – once viewed with suspicion – has become a happy mantra, two words that promise health, wealth, and happiness. 

Come over to the glossy-haired, bright-eyed, eternally-healthy side of the street, a joyous place where puppies gambol, unicorns prance and everyone lives for ever and ever, amen. Plants are good. Veganism is better. Meat is bad. And that is the end of that.

Now, don’t misunderstand me: I have no problem with veganism in itself. People have the right to eat whatever they choose, for whatever reason they want, be it religious, ethical or otherwise.

And the older I get, the more obsessed with vegetables I become: a fistful of broad beans eaten straight from the pod, or a whole steamed artichoke, dipped in a mustard-spiked vinaigrette; chickpeas with lemon juice and chilli, slow roasted onions, avocado with a dribble of lime.

Days can go by when I eat as a vegetarian, and hardly even notice. When I travel to India, which has one of the great vegan and vegetarian cuisines of the world, I never miss meat, not even for a moment. But digging into a bowl of chana masala (spiced chickpeas), I don’t think, ‘ooh, what a lovely vegan dish’. It’s simply good food.

Common sense – backed up with science – tells us that those of us awful omnivores who still revel in the pleasures of the flesh should eat less meat, and opt for better quality products when we do.

A diet high in nuts, fruits, vegetables, pulses and unrefined oils has a myriad of health benefits, too.

But even so, I can’t say I’ve ever been tempted to join the vegan revolution. My love of beasts, and butter, eggs and cream, cheese, crustaceans and fish is too profound.

My problem, in fact, lies with the big companies who’ve stumbled on what is clearly a trend, and spied a new way to make an easy buck.

It has become insidious. Every major supermarket chain in the country – not just Sainsbury’s – is selling a range of vegetarian or vegan meat substitutes, from fake ‘chicken’ breasts to veggie ‘bacon’ and even meat-free meatballs.

But look closely and these ‘healthy meat alternatives’ are, under careful scrutiny, anything but. Take the ‘mince’ from The Meatless Farm Co, which is stocked by several major supermarket chains. It looks like mince, albeit the cheap stuff. It’s high in fibre and gluten free.