How Garry Shandling never got over his mother lying about his older brother's ...

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Behind the TV persona of the Emmy-winning standup comedian Garry Shandling, the funnyman struggled with deep insecurities and the 'mind f**k' of his older brother's death, a new book by Judd Apatow reveals. 

Shandling idolized his older brother Barry, who had cystic fibrosis, a disease that causes persistent lung infections and limits the ability to breathe. 

Their mother Muriel moved the family from Chicago to Tucson, Arizona, to ease Barry's difficulties with breathing, knowing he wasn't going to survive. But when Barry died aged 13, Shandling's mother lied to him, claiming he'd gone to live with their grandmother. 

Reflecting on Barry's death decades later, Shandling wrote to himself: 'His death was a mind-f**k event and disappointment you had to deal with on your own. Go back into your body and don't try to avoid pain. It is a struggle to stay in the body.' 

The comedian's hoarded notes from throughout his life were discovered by his close friend Judd Apatow after Shandling died in 2016 from pulmonary thrombosis, and are revealed in the filmmaker's new book, It's Garry Shandling's Book. 

Garry Shandling's hoarded notes from his life were discovered by his close friend Judd Apatow after Shandling died in 2016 from pulmonary thrombosis, and are revealed in the filmmaker's new book, It's Garry Shandling's Book. Pictured: The two friends taping Shandling's show in 1996

Garry Shandling's hoarded notes from his life were discovered by his close friend Judd Apatow after Shandling died in 2016 from pulmonary thrombosis, and are revealed in the filmmaker's new book, It's Garry Shandling's Book. Pictured: The two friends taping Shandling's show in 1996

The late comedian never got over his older brother Barry's death from cystic fibrosis. Shandling's mother Muriel (pictured together) moved the family to Tucson to ease Barry's difficulties with breathing, knowing he wasn't going to survive. But when Barry died aged 13, Shandling's mother lied to him, claiming Barry had gone to live with their grandmother

The late comedian never got over his older brother Barry's death from cystic fibrosis. Shandling's mother Muriel (pictured together) moved the family to Tucson to ease Barry's difficulties with breathing, knowing he wasn't going to survive. But when Barry died aged 13, Shandling's mother lied to him, claiming Barry had gone to live with their grandmother

Reflecting on his brother death decades later, Shandling wrote to himself: 'His death was a mind-f*ck event and disappointment you had to deal with on your own.' Apatow writes: 'It went on and on, box after box. His house had no family photos displayed, but there was a box of hundreds of childhood photographs

Reflecting on his brother death decades later, Shandling wrote to himself: 'His death was a mind-f*ck event and disappointment you had to deal with on your own.' Apatow writes: 'It went on and on, box after box. His house had no family photos displayed, but there was a box of hundreds of childhood photographs

Apatow, who was helping to deal with Shandling's possessions after his death, discovered Shandling had hoarded away copious notes of his life in boxes in his closet, detailing his struggle with pain when Barry died and a massive volume of notes on his spiritual pain in his struggle to attain the state of no self through Zen and enlightenment.

Apatow writes: 'It went on and on, box after box. His house had no family photos displayed, but there was a box of hundreds of childhood photographs.

'The most important find was a trunk that contained all of his journals since 1978.'

Apatow sat down and read all of Shandling's secret and deepest feelings, writing: 'Decade after decade I just read about a man struggling to figure out how to be more open and loving.'

Judd Apatow's book It's Garry Shandling's book is out on November 12

Judd Apatow's book It's Garry Shandling's book is out on November 12

There were passionate love notes written to his adored dead brother, whose funeral he never got to attend thanks to his mother's deceit, and how Barry was never spoken about again within the family.

Shandling dealt with the loss in his notes.

When Shandling introduced his close friend, Gavin de Becker to his mother years later, de Becker told his pal, 'She's a monster'.

'Well, you are seeing her on her best behavior', Shandling replied.

'I don't think Garry ever stopped thinking about Barry or loving him,' Apatow writes.

There was a box of letters he had written to his college-era girlfriend that his mother sent to him when she died, his earliest joke notebooks, tapes of his earliest standup performances, and notes to himself throughout his career in .

Among the reams of notes, Shandling wrote at age 16 that his acne had gone away -- 'perhaps the biggest advantage to growing older.'

And he reminded himself that 'time doesn't actually exist. But on another plane we are one, happening simultaneously'.

On that same list of notes to himself, were: 'Grow up.' 'Stop masturbating'. 'One day you will not have to wear glasses'. 'Punch a couple of kids at school. I can't recall their names now, but you know who I'm talking about'. 'Please don't wait till you're 22 to move out of the house away from home. I'm still choking -- suffocated by it'. 

In the boxes Apatow found, there were letters he had written to his college-era girlfriend that his mother sent to him when she died, his earliest joke notebooks, tapes of his earliest standup performances, and notes to himself throughout his career in Hollywood

In the boxes Apatow found, there were letters he had written to his college-era girlfriend that his mother sent to him when she died, his earliest joke notebooks, tapes of his earliest standup performances, and notes to himself throughout his career in

Shandling dealt with Barry's loss in his notes. When Shandling introduced his close friend, Gavin de Becker to his mother years later, de Becker told his pal, 'She's a monster'. 'Well, you are seeing her on her best behavior', Shandling replied. 'I don't think Garry ever stopped thinking about Barry or loving him,' Apatow writes

Shandling dealt with Barry's loss in his notes. When Shandling introduced his close friend, Gavin de Becker to his mother years later, de Becker told his pal, 'She's a monster'. 'Well, you are seeing her on her best behavior', Shandling replied. 'I don't think Garry ever stopped thinking about Barry or loving him,' Apatow writes

In the closet was a four-page letter to his girlfriend of five years, Wendy Vactor, waiting for him back in Arizona after he moved to the West Coast.

He detailed his progress in comedy and then suggested she bring him food, dish washing detergent and bleach.

There were boxes of early jokes and monologues that Shandling wrote while dreaming of escaping his electrical engineering studies at the University of Arizona, Tucson while writing comedian George Carlin-type monologues.

Shandling eventually approached Carlin and asked him for feedback on his joke writing because he admired him so much and had no one else to ask.

Carlin thought his work was good and inspired Shandling, who was soon getting gigs writing for TV.

Another secreted note revealed Shandling went to a shrink when he realized he didn't want to continue to write comedy scripts for TV but wanted to try standup.

As soon as he achieved one goal, he moved on to another.

The biggest self-revelation came in September 1976 when Shandling, age 27, was hit by a speeding car while standing at the intersection of Santa Monica and Wilshire Boulevards in Beverly Hills.

This close call with death confirmed his ambition to master the art of stand-up comedy.

Shandling wrote about the near-death experience when he was injured

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