JOHN HUMPHRYS: My heat pump has me left in the cold... but I'm hot and bothered ...

My first shot at burning down our house was rather less effective than my second. I was a small boy and it was the morning after Bonfire Night.

My mother had popped out and I was bored so I had the bright idea of collecting some of the spent rockets littering the street and throwing them in our fire.

The result was spectacular … and so was my mother’s reaction when she had to call the fire brigade to deal with the blaze in the chimney!

The second time the house was a derelict cottage on our dairy farm in West Wales.

We’d spent a year renovating, and I had stupidly draped some damp sheets over an electric airing cabinet in a bedroom, thus blocking the vents, and had gone off to milk the cows. 

When I got back the bedroom was blazing away. By the time the fire brigade arrived, only the walls were left standing.

That was nearly 40 years ago. I’ve renovated another ruin in West Wales since then and I can guarantee it’s proofed against the worst of my pyrotechnic tendencies.

Indeed, Boris Johnson would be proud of me, for it has the heating system he wants us all to install.

He told us this week that if we are to meet the Government’s targets for reducing carbon emissions we must abandon our gas boilers and install heat pumps. Well, I was ahead of the game.

The conditions were ideal. We were rebuilding the house from scratch so we laid the underfloor piping before the floors went down. 

The walls were stone, but strict building regulations meant our insulation was state of the art.

And better still, the field behind the house was perfect for laying the pipes needed for a ground source system, which is far more efficient than the air source alternative that has to be used in the vast majority of homes in towns and cities.

It cost a small fortune, but it was worth it. I was helping to save the planet and saving myself the cost of buying nasty, polluting oil. 

The perfect win-win, I told myself. A toasty house whatever the weather and a minuscule energy bill.

But I was wrong. For a start I had not allowed for the electricity needed to run the pump. 

Not a big problem because I’d also installed an array of solar panels. But you can’t do that in a small semi or a flat.

The real killer was that it didn’t do its job. I have not ended up with a toasty house in mid-winter. 

If my lovely neighbour switches it on a couple of days before I arrive, it takes the chill off the downstairs rooms. But that’s about it. 

To get really warm, I have to fire up the log-burning stove. Again, not exactly an option in your typical suburban semi.

The sad reality is I’ve spent a small fortune and have not ended up with a cosy house.

And I wonder: how many of us would — or even could — pay at least £10,000 for a heating system to replace our polluting but efficient gas boiler for something that just takes the chill off?

Yes, that’s what it

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