Remember Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? How could we ever forget? The famous self-help book was first published in 1992 and went on to sell more than 50 million copies around the world.
Author John Gray was brutally honest about what he saw as an essential truth; that men and women are so humongously different in every way — psychologically and emotionally, rationally and irrationally — that they might as well come from different planets.
The groundbreaking book was revolutionary at the time, arguing that couples could get the magic back in long-term relationships — but only if they understood that their partner talked and behaved as if he or she was from a galaxy far, far away.
One sample technique Gray came up with to overcome the yawning gulf between the sexes was the Venus Talk, in which the woman talks to the man about her feelings and he has to listen without interruption for at least ten minutes. Can you imagine?
Author John Gray was brutally honest about what he saw as an essential truth; that men and women are so humongously different in every way
Then there was the celebrated Point Scoring system, where the man gets points for hugs, washing the dishes and putting the toilet seat down (well done, darling).
Meanwhile, the woman gets her points for somehow managing not to say ‘I told you so’ when the man makes a mistake. And also for understanding that every man needs time alone in his man ‘cave’, perhaps to watch sports or whatever it is they do in there.
Another strategy, especially important at this time of year, found women trying their best not to come down with what Gray calls Resentment Flu; an all-consuming sickness, imaginary or otherwise, that befalls females when they feel they’re the only one doing all the chores and holding the household together.
Is it too Venusian of me to suggest that is probably because they are? Yes, John Gray would say, because ‘men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished’.
The book, the strategies, the mindset that humans are little more than misguided puppies who could be house-trained in more supportive ways, may have been a bit bonkers — certainly, the critics called it sexist and patronising — but the public could not get enough of the plain-speaking homilies and interplanetary advice, even if it was dished out by a man whose first marriage only lasted two years.
Gray says he knows how men’s minds work and credits his second wife, Bonnie, with helping him understand women’s minds
Men Are From Mars catapulted Gray to self-help superstardom. The American author became a multi-millionaire and a fixture on the talk show circuit, appearing on Oprah 18 times.
There were Mars/Venus seminars, audiotapes and best-selling videos. There were even themed couples’ breaks, a television sitcom and an off-Broadway show.
Remarkably, three decades have passed since Men Are From Mars first hit the bookshops. But are its pithy observations about the sexes still relevant today?
‘Not to be needed is a slow death for a man,’ he wrote solemnly back in 1992. Today’s woman might be rather more interested in detailing exactly what she needs from him before he withers away on his vine of self-pity.
And in the intervening decades surely everything has moved on for both sexes, in terms of careers, families, personal growth and goals?
‘Yes, the world has changed dramatically, with significant implications for our relationships,’ says Gray. ‘But just because women today work side by side with men, and men participate more in raising their children, it doesn’t mean men and women are the same.’
Indeed, he feels his original rules still apply.
‘Men are still from Mars and women are still from Venus, and both sides still make the mistake of expecting their partners to feel, communicate and behave the way they do, and they feel disappointed when that doesn’t happen,’ he says.
We are speaking over Zoom from Gray’s home in northern California, where he lives on a three-acre spread on top of a mountain, a 15-minute drive from San Francisco. He is sitting behind his desk, smartly dressed in a flannel shirt and light jacket. His office, he says, is built into the side of a hill, which makes it sound like the ultimate man cave.
Behind him is a wall of books, all bearing his name. There’s the original one, of course, and then the exhausting litany of follow-ups, such as Mars And Venus In Love, Mars And Venus In The Workplace, Mars And Venus: 365 Ways To Keep Passion Alive and, yes, even The Mars And Venus Diet & Exercise Solution. ‘Without a nutritious diet,’ he says on page 102, ‘we don’t have the fuel to make more endorphins.’
Endorphin-rich and plain old rich-rich, Gray turned 70 this week and celebrated his birthday with his girlfriend, two of his three daughters from his two marriages, and his four grandchildren.
However, he is no jolly septuagenarian grandpa ready to settle down in an armchair with his slippers. ‘I feel fantastic,’ he hoots. ‘I make love with my partner like I’m a 35-year-old. I feel youthful and energetic and happy.’
He stays this way, he says, by fasting and meditating for up to six hours a day.
He hasn’t gone public yet with his new love. ‘The woman I’m with now is someone who teaches about relationships and who has been greatly influenced by my work,’ he says rather grandiosely. ‘We have hundreds of coaches around the world and she’s one of the most successful ones.’
Men and women are freer than ever before to go beyond the stereotypes of their parents’ generation, with more women becoming breadwinners and men helping out in the home.
Whoever the lucky lady is, she sounds like someone who is perfectly placed to embrace the balance that Gray insists is at the heart of every successful relationship. Neither partner, he believes, should seek to fulfil their own needs at the expense of the other. That way, ‘we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment and conflict’.
How did he win in the self-help lottery? Two episodes in his early life led to his career as a relationship counsellor and to his discovery of the Mars/Venus concept.
Aged 17, Gray attended a seminar where he met transcendental meditation founder Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, famously one of The Beatles’ gurus who had encouraged the Fab Four to tune in and drop out in the 1960s.
Gray became a monk and was celibate for nine years, travelling around the world as the Maharishi’s executive assistant. ‘He [the Maharishi] would have a line-up of VIPs who would want to have time with him, and he would send me out to hear their questions and summarise them so he could give his answers. It became a skill that I used later as a counsellor.’
Ten years later, he went to California and
