Fart-suppressing corsets... meat gut gowns... and the one celeb auditioning for ... trends now
The attention-whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala, descended on New York City last night and these oblivious haute couture clowns did not disappoint.
As always, the preening buffoons were guided by a dress code.
This year it was the pretentiously ambiguous theme, 'Garden of Time' - a nod to British novelist J.G. Ballard's 1962 short story about a fancy couple inside a walled compound, who kept encroaching barbarians at bay by clipping magical crystal flowers that set back the clocks.
The besieged aristocrats in Ballard's story relied on a shrinking harvest to protect them against the passage of time.
These rich boobs – without a hint of irony – enjoy seemingly bottomless budgets for plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists and Ozempic.
The attention-whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala , descended on New York City last night and these oblivious haute couture clowns did not disappoint.
Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker looking like a giant boutonnière, as she did that laughably uncomfortable dying turtle pose.
Where does Jennifer Lopez hide her Time Garden? JLo took the theme quite literally in a radiant custom Schiaparelli Haute Couture gown.
So, while actual pro-Hamas mobs raged through the streets of New York City desecrating war memorials and burning American flags last night, these self-satisfied schmucks felt perfectly safe and sound behind the barricades at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker looking like a giant boutonnière, as she did that laughably uncomfortable dying turtle pose.
That's when pretty women try to look ugly by slouching their upper body while jutting their heads out from under the weight of their gorgeousity.
Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald's meat guts.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The marching orders for TV commentators must have been: 'Say nice things or Anna Wintour will scoop out your liver with a dessert spoon, emulsify it and use it as hand cream.'
For when Lizzo reached for the garden theme but came up with a handful of weeds, the butt-huffers at E! were at a loss for words.
Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald's meat guts.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The 'Good As Hell' singer's dirt-toned homage to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy that got tossed in the lawn clippings.
Lady Gaga, she isn't. But she's so healthy and brave!
Who in their right mind would want to participate in this annual audition for America's Most Obnoxious?
For weeks, Vogue's editor-in-chief (this year, the Devil wore Loewe) has been sending her fork-tongued minions out to threaten 'Wintour is coming!' and bully stylistically challenged Lauren Sanchez.
And there she was – Mrs. Almost Bezos – apparently shamed into a shaggy black lob (that's short for long-bob, you heathen) and an Oscar
