JACI STEPHEN's hilarious takedown of an Oscars night that needed a good SLAP trends now
Let's face it, we were all tuning in praying for another fight on the Oscars stage to distract us from the annual monotony of worth and woke speeches.
But the fashion horrors – and so much else - made up much of our disappointment.
As did the leading ladies, who paraded cheeks so mysteriously prominent, they looked as if Novak Djokovic had served a double fault into them.
Seriously, they were so pronounced, they looked in danger of swallowing their heads whole – yes, I'm talking to Melissa McCarthy, Sigourney Weaver, Cate Blanchett and others here. If they rise any higher, girls, they're going to be sitting atop your heads like a pair of Mickey Mouse ears.
Of course, that's if you could actually see them. Dozens couldn't because they were sitting behind Nigerian singer Temilade Openiyi. Nominated for Best Original Song, Lift Me Up, from Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, she had clearly been eaten by a giant meringue. Struggling to get a view of the stage each side of the humongous monstrosity, the poor showbiz types behind went home with whiplash after three hours of chiffon torture.
Before the ceremony, both ABC (who broadcast the event) and 'E' brought us the usual round of interviews and information about who designed what. On 'E', the four most dreaded words had to be 'Over to you, Laverne.'
Laverne Cox was presenting from the red carpet, which this year was Champagne colored, apparently to provide a contrast to the red drapes. Utterly pointless. The carpet was at best beige, at worst, urine yellow, and lacked the dramatic impact of red, which also shows up the frocks and tuxes much more effectively. I've seen more attractive funeral homes.
On 'E', the four most dreaded words had to be 'Over to you, Laverne.' Laverne gushed over everyone. Well, it was more of an adjectival spewing up.
Cheekbones were so pronounced, they looked in danger of swallowing heads whole – yes, I'm talking to Melissa McCarthy, Sigourney Weaver, Cate Blanchett and others here. If they rise any higher, girls, they're going to be sitting atop your heads like a pair of Mickey Mouse ears.
Laverne gushed over everyone. Well, it was more of an adjectival spewing up. They were all 'incredible', 'amazing', as were their outfits. I was less enthusiastic.
There were notable exceptions, of course. Mindy Caling looked stunning in a Vera Wang white dress, which was swapped for the black version when she presented an award. But Cate Blanchett looked more suited to the 'E' pre-ceremony brunch, where guests appeared to have raided Target for their outfits.
Florence Pugh looked as if she'd forgotten to take her black swimsuit off before having a run-in with a duvet. And the last time I saw a gold outfit like Sigourney Weaver's, it was wrapped around my turkey at Thanksgiving.
Sandra Oh was in orange, described by 'E' as 'the least worn color on the carpet.' Yep. There's a reason for that. It's the color you share with your toilet bowl after a heavy night on the town.
Then there was Eva Longoria, there to present an award, and whose breasts had decided to part company. They had been looking precariously balanced when she arrived at the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles and barely held together by her Zuhair Murad dress, which she had to adjust before posing for photos.
When she took to the stage, the left breast stayed in place, while the right was heading so far downwards, it looked as if it might need visa to get back into the country. It's a thin line between a plunge and a lemming style descent.
Rudeness was not confined to the outfits. Take Hugh Grant – and model Ashley Graham was probably wishing someone would. Trying to extract the tiniest nugget of information from him was a tougher job than raising the Titanic.
Easily winning the award for worst red-carpet interviewee, he was a font of dullness. All we got was that his tailor made his suit, and he didn't much enjoy the 'three seconds' he was in Knives Out. He topped it off
